What really goes inside the mind of someone who overthinks
Sadness, anxiety, or numbness. There is a certain romance in attributing these emotions to our hearts, but we experience them in our minds. What could be a fleeting moment of feeling something can prolong and send us into a spiral of thoughts. That’s what overthinking does to us — throws us into an abyss of emotions and feelings which then circle in a loop. And while we spend days together overthinking, we grossly underestimate how much we are getting in our own way because what it ultimately leads to is inaction.
Dr Jessamy Hibberd is a renowned clinical psychologist and bestselling author who has specialised in aspects of mental health conversation, such as trauma and imposter syndrome. Come January, Dr Hibberd, who is based in the UK, will speak at length about the perils of overthinking and why it is a legit mental health concern in today’s times. She describes overthinking as something “commonly experienced either on its own or in conjunction with mental health problems, such as depression or anxiety”.
“I think the key to understanding overthinking is that it’s thinking about things and believing that thinking about it is going to make you feel better,” says Dr Hibberd. “When you are not feeling good, and begin to think about all the reasons you’re not feeling good, it makes you feel much worse, and leads you to this spiral of feeling worse, and then your brain picks up on all the memories and thoughts that might match why you’re feeling like this, and it leads you to abstract thinking. The real trouble, however, is that instead of moving forward, it leaves you stuck.”
What is interesting about overthinking, according to Dr Hibberd, is that you never overthink the good things. “We don’t wake up and think, ‘Oh, I am feeling really good. Why am I feeling good?’ And go through all the different emotions that are good.”
What is overthinking really rooted in? Why do we ponder over some things so deeply? Dr Hibberd says that it is not only linked to low confidence and low self-esteem, but also perfectionism. “You set these standards for yourself that are so high that it constantly makes you feel you are falling short. And when it is worse, it can be all-consuming. You know, people tell me how they are stuck thinking about these things. Someone I know was unable to leave the house or do things they were meant to do because of the sheer inability to switch off from things. It’s harder to have rational thinking and you’re much more likely to be more self-critical.”
It does not help that we live in the age of information explosion. Jessamy says that this can worsen overthinking because “a) it changes our expectations and sets standards that are impossible to achieve, b) it feeds comparison and c) it removes us from experiences that helped us experience discomfort and manage it”. “In the past, we only had people we saw to compare to and it was easier to lose track of people who made us feel bad, but thanks to the internet and social media, it’s not the case anymore,” says Jessamy.
Down the rabbit hole
She adds that when one is exposed to thousands of images every day and reams of information, the overload can be deeply triggering. Our brain consumes it all and takes it as truth. “We constantly question ourselves — are we parenting right, doing enough of exercise, are we attractive or successful enough,” says Jessamy. “Consumer culture encourages us to only think about ourselves and what we need. It manipulates us into thinking we don’t have enough and hooks us into comparison. We thrive in relationships, yet so much of society is set up for the individual. The external markers that are promoted, such as social recognition, physical attractiveness and financial success are negatively related to well-being and linked to increased depression, anxiety, narcissism and physical illness.
“When you base your self-worth on these external markers, or define it using measuring sticks of how busy and productive we are, we squeeze out what’s really important — our relationships, hobbies, creativity, community, giving back and reflecting on our lives. Since 2007 (the year that Apple introduced the iPhone) the free time we used to spend on these things has been replaced by phone time. The part of life most important for health and happiness is cut out by overthinking and time online.”
Jessamy argues that these “removed relationships” push us into social anxiety, insecurity and self-doubt. In her new book, she draws out a five-step plan that can help one overcome overthinking. “Notice the thoughts — once you are aware of them you can break the overthinking habit and reduce the behaviours that feed into overthinking. Second, disrupt overthinking —stop when you notice and don’t engage. This brings a choice point and lets you practice a new healthier response. Third, check the belief — ask yourself, is this an unfair standard or expectation? Fourth, redirect — learn a healthier response e.g. if you are using overthinking as a way to manage anger, social anxiety or to try and manage how you’re feeling, then learn a more adaptive way to do this. Lastly, live life — redirect overthinking and channel it into somewhere it can thrive — look outside yourself, give back and engage in your life and the things that matter to you.”
Overthinking is also rooted in trauma, and Jessamy says there is no avoiding the emotional turmoil that comes with it. “Trauma involves suffering and pain and brings immense challenges, but while it is tempting to believe that it is something we cannot withstand or recover from, we are not simply reduced by these events,” she says. “Trauma can be a turning point. It can bring everything into sharper focus. A chance to re-evaluate our priorities, strip away the unimportant and focus on what really matters to us. To learn more about ourselves and to see our strengths. Rather than being the end of our life, it may simply be the end of our life as we know it.”
She adds that trauma challenges our assumptions about how the world works and our place within it, but it’s a curious paradox. Our losses can result in valuable gains. At a time when we feel lost, it can give us direction. It makes us more vulnerable, yet stronger, and gives us a sense that although it has been painful, valuable lessons have been learned.
“Research now shows that growth experiences in the aftermath of traumatic events far outnumber reports of psychiatric disorders. One landmark piece of research discovered that people who endure psychological struggle following adversity can often see positive growth afterwards — this the researchers named ‘post-traumatic growth’. They found that these experiences can lead to an enhanced appreciation for life and how to live it, improved relationships, spiritual development and a greater sense of compassion for others who experience difficulties,” observes Jessamy. “Since the term was first coined in 1996 by American psychologist Richard Tedeschi and psychologist Lawrence Calhoun, there have been decades of research confirming that the majority of trauma survivors report some degree of positive change following adversity.”
Trauma, however, has a way of manifesting physically too. “The story of Sophie in my book How to Overcome Trauma is a good example of this. Sophie, experienced insomnia from the age of 15, and at 29 experienced her first breakdown. She was then hit by another trauma when her marriage broke down.”
As a therapist, Jessamy firmly believes that what we do every day makes the biggest difference. “How we feel is a natural product of all of our choices, but especially the small choices that each of us makes every day. In terms of happiness and fulfilment it is what we do everyday that makes the biggest difference. We can gain satisfaction from the smallest of things, whether it’s how we view our life and value it or the actions we take,” she says. “Small steps might not sound so dramatic, but they add up. You don’t climb a mountain and suddenly you’re at the top, it’s many steps that take you to the summit.”
