Who knew that Jordan Kimball was exactly what Bachelor in Paradise needed?
Until his arrival tonight, the beach was a mess of the 14 different people Blake had pursued or was pursuing and everyone else just trying to keep up with what was happening and what had happened at Stagecoach or before Stagecoach or after Stagecoach, and then Jordan showed up.
As soon as he got wind of something happening, he took it upon himself to figure out exactly what that something was and blow it up, because this is Jordan’s beach! Apparently!
Despite figuring out that both Blake and Dylan had their eyes on Hannah, Jordan also asked Hannah on a date, declaring that if he wanted her to go on a date with him, she would go on a date with him. (Why is Jordan trying to ruin Paradise for me, Blake wondered.) At first, she said yes to this alluring prospect. Then, she changed her mind, because she had better connections with Dylan and Blake.
The problem is that she’s got a thing for both Dylan and Blake, and somehow was having trouble seeing that Dylan was the better choice. Or maybe trouble admitting that Dylan was the better choice? Who knows?
Either way, Jordan had to choose a new date, and so he chose Nicole, who really just wanted to make Clay jealous.
So it turns out Jordan Kimball was not exactly what Bachelor in Paradise needed, and we were just kidding. In fact, we forgot about Jordan as soon as Mike Johnson stepped out onto the beach. That tall glass of water immediately drew the attention of several women, but it was Caelynn who he chose, pulling her away from a slightly delusional Cam.
Cam, you see, was just born to be a father and a husband, and he was already planning that life with Caelynn, who showed no interest in him past accepting his rose. And yet, he cried and moped while Caelynn and Mike were on their magical kiss-filled date, which Mike thought could possibly be his last first date ever.
Meanwhile, Derek and Demi made out a whole lot, and Wills wanted that for himself, so he tried to woo Katie. This failed miserably, and she cried extremely hard for some reason, and it was good ol’ Chris Bukowski who was there to pick her up.
And then we were back to Hannah, Dylan, and Blake. Hannah made out with Dylan for a while and reassured him after her non-date with Jordan, but then she was twirling with Blake (apparently one of his moves) and making out with him on the beach. Dylan felt a little sad and disrespected by this, so he went to talk to the pair, only to have Blake freak out. “Don’t do that, man,” he whined, yet again convinced people were out to ruin his life or at least his time in Paradise.
He assured Hannah that he totally saw a future with her and that no one was judging her even a little bit, which felt incorrect. People were, in fact, judging Hannah and the objectively strange way she was handling this situation.
As usual, the fist fight we were promised hasn’t happened yet, but we now know that it didn’t involve Blake at all, but it’s actually Jordan fighting some guy named Christian over Nicole!
We also learned in the teaser that Hannah and Blake hooked up a week before Paradise, which is not even a little bit of a shock at this point. Blake really did some work before this season started but it hasn’t served him well yet, so we’re kinda hoping this one fails him as well.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.