It’s extremely likely that if we had watched tonight’s episode of The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart in normal times, we would have still been yelling at our TV, but we gotta tell you, tonight we were positively screaming. Over reacting? Yes. Having a great time while doing it? Absolutely. (Doing this question and answer thing a lot more in articles now that we have no one to talk to in real life? You betcha.)
Tonight’s episode was simply something else. Everything everybody did was understandable, yet insane, and producer manipulation has never felt quite so obvious, yet also understandable. We had an extremely good time watching this episode, as annoyed as we got with certain things that people said or certain decisions people made, and found that all the yelling we did was a great distraction from many other things we could be yelling about right now.
As we watched, we chronicled all the things we yelled about. Almost every single one of them involved Brandon and/or Julia.
There is no way that this date swapping thing wasn’t simply conceived as a way to mess with Julia and Brandon, who have had on and off feelings for each other all season. No way at all.
2. Sheridan saying “It feels like every time she’s been conflicted, she has ended up choosing me.”
3. The disparity of the dates!
Rudi and Chris: Hanging out on a mountain with binoculars!
Jamie and Ryan: Outdoor spa day!
Julia and Brandon: Writing and performing a love song together at iconic venue The Roxy with a professional songwriter!
This is a joke.
Him singing “Coming back, coming back” as Chris, Rudi, Jamie, and Ryan returned, and “It wasn’t over yet” as they waited for Julia and Brandon was extremely on the nose but oh did we laugh.
5. Julia deciding it’s Brandon that she needs to be with.
6. Julia wondering why Sheridan is being “mean” when she tells him how well things went with Brandon.
7. Julia being shocked and confused when Sheridan decides to leave.
9. Savannah and Brandon’s entire conversation, especially these bits, all said by Brandon:
“OK, I feel like you have somewhat of an attitude or an air about you that I’m not trying to fight you.”
“OK, so I ask you to open up, and you’re still conservative and I have grace and patience for that…”
“You deserve everything that you want, sweetie.”
“I wanna work this out with Savannah.”
“My choice is you, I’m here for you.”
“Can we talk like adults, because I would love that. I’m here for you. I’m willing to make the decision now to work this out with you.”
10. Brandon’s conversation with Julia, immediately after Savannah leaves:
“I had a great day with you. I’m optimistic. I’m choosing to do this well and right with you, and I’m glad we’re gonna move forward together.”
11. Chris Harrison recapping the previous night of people going home.
This is what you wanted, Chris!
“This is a song by Pat Benatar. So it’s a power ballad from like the 80s, and it’s not my jam at all.”
“I’ve heard it like six times, probably in like hair salons or something.”
13. Natascha telling Julia to do an “earmuff situaish” and Julia just doing it and then not immediately wondering what had been said.
14. Brandon saying yes when Natascha asked if he would have stuck with Savannah if she had agreed to stick with him.
15. Natascha’s choice to tell Julia what Brandon said 40 minutes before the performance.
16. Julia getting angry at Natascha instead of at BRANDON.
17. Julia confronting Brandon about him “definitively” saying yes.
“I wouldn’t say definitively, no. I wanted to figure out what Savannah’s position was, and we never got there. We didn’t see eye to eye. So that was the end of it.”
“But yeah, baby, I’m glad that we’re here together. We’re doing this. And everything went so well today, minus the little minor freakout.”
19. Finally, one unrelated to Brandon and Julia: Jamie is going to pass out probably.
We are genuinely concerned for her.
20. Rachel Lindsay says Trevor was too cool calm and collected where Jamie was more passionate, and Toni Braxton tells Jamie to sing in the same way she’s wearing that dress, and Jamie’s in tears!
“I f–ked up,” she says, disagreeing with everything Trevor says about how great she did.
“I know he says he’s proud but I’m sure he’s disappointed because I ruined it,” she tells the camera in tears.
Someone hug Jamie immediately!! And maybe get her therapist on the phone!
21. Chris got so many lyrics wrong on “Lover!” Rude!
22. Rachel Lindsay describes Brandon and Julia’s rendition of “We Belong” as “like a karaoke performance.” And Toni Braxton says she thought they were in a fight.
Meanwhile, this was Andy Grammer’s critique: “Was it perfect? Who the hell knows? But you gave it your all, and there’s something really sweet about seeing you both push through it.”
Oof to all of that.
“OK,” says Brandon.
24. As Natascha and Ryan absolutely kill it on stage and then get glowing reviews from the judges, Julia has a breakdown backstage.
“Natascha is a bad person!”
25. And now we get Natscha’s opinions on Julia.
“I could not be rolling my eyes any more. She’s so obsessed with herself. I’m over it.”
26. “Thanks to Natascha, I might go home tonight,” Julia says as she discovers she’s in the bottom two couples.
Meanwhile Jamie’s over here blaming herself for nothing at all.
27. “Truth be told, he treated it like a solo performance.”
Julia and Brandon are out, and at least Julia is finally at least partially blaming him for this mess.
28. “I wish I could go back and choose Sheridan.”
“I came her to find a genuine connection, and Brandon just kept disappointing me. I’m definitely done with him.”
“Sheridan taught me so much about what a good partner is. Now I know what I’m looking for is now a lot of what Sheridan was.”
Oh, Julia. Please get some rest now, girl!
Stay tuned for our interview with Julia herself, who’s got a few regrets.
The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.